A Skywalker Family Reunion
by Worldisquiethere
Summary: Originally a oneshot, now a hilarious saga of skywalker family antics.
1. A Skywalker Family Reunion

A Skywalker Family Reunion (otherwise known as who they legacy era authors screwed up.)

On a desolate planet in the outer rim, the most powerful beings of yesterday, today, and tomorrow gather in one place-the Skywalker family.

"Hey guys, it's me!" shouts Darth Vader

"Shut up, Anakin" says Shmi Skywalker.

Luke looks towards the few people gathered within the hut. "Where is everyone?"

"Probably didn't want to come. What have I taught you, you need food for people to show up." Says Anakin.

"You teach me anything, you were too busy cutting of my hand!" retorted Luke.

"There is no need to fight." Walks in Leia.

"Shut up princess, this is funny." Says Han.

"Yeah, a father who is a Sith and a son who is a Jedi, hilarious." Anakin Solo rolled his eyes.

"You watch your tongue, boy!" Han points his finger at his son "You killed Chewbacca!"

Jaina steps in "Let it go dad, It was the vongspawns fault."

"Seriously dad, shut up" says Jacen Solo

"Oh, look everyone it's the kriffing Sith Lord." says Mara Jade.

"Its alright Aunt Mara, I am sorry for murdering you but I have renounced my ways as Darth Caedus and am now a follower of the light." Replies Jacen.

"Yes, but your dead now and besides, the readers don't know that until the _Fate of the Jedi _series and nobody has picked up a book in the legacy era veto the Legacy comics." Mara says.

Another figure enters the room. "Hello, my name is Roan Fel and depending on what these damn authors decide I may or may not be part of your family."

Ben Skywalker enters from behind him and stabs him with his lightsaber. "Hi everybody I am here. Now, some of you may be wondering why I did that. That is due to the fact of my sudden changes authors have written for me and my subtly dark side of the Force references." The skywalkers all look a Ben as another two figures comes in to take the spotlight.

"Hey, my name is Kol and this is my brother, Nat."

"That's Bantha!"

Yeah, whatever."

"You know that Galaxy doesn't revolve around you Kol." Says Nat.

"Actually," Anakin steps in, "The whole Star Wars galaxy does. That is except for some of the really good parts, like Knights of the Old Republic."

The door to hut blasts open. "Shut up _sleemo _and listen to me."

"Oh, crap its Cade." Said Ben.

"I don't know whether I am Jedi or Sith, but I decided I hate you all." Says Cade.

"Well, it's different, I'll give you that." Luke says.

"_U __kulle rah doe kankee kung_" says Cade.

"Shut up no one understands you!" shouts Han.

"I'll teach you some manners, _Koochoo_!" yelled Cade as he draws his weapon to bear. Han also brings out his blaster and shoots just as Cade is firing of his own weapon.

Silence ligers in the air after the sound of blasters fall from the air.

"I think Han shot first." Says Jaina.


	2. Ways to Annoy Luke Skywalker

Ways to Annoy Luke Skywalker

Ben Skywalker, an adolescent Jedi in his seventeenth year, spends time in his dorm in the Jedi Temple on Coruscant pissed off at his father. So maybe Ben _had _stolen Luke ship and flew to Tatooine looking for a good time, and _maybe _he had had sex with a Miraluka, and it's _possible_ he had tried some death sticks while making his way back to his father's apartment the previous night-but that is no reason to be grounded in the temple for a month.

What is a teenager who is ticked off at his dad do? Why write ways to get back at him!

Ways to Harass, Annoy, Confuse or Generally Piss off Luke Skywalker

Ask him how it feels to know Obi-Wan died because of him.

Tell him he needs a trademark, like a lightning bolt scar or a rancor tooth Lightsaber.

Tell him that it was Jacen who killed his wife, not Lumiya.

Kick him in the balls (this can also be used on any other male Jedi or hermaphrodite Hutts.)

Ask if he did his sister.

If he did, does Han know?

Break his Lightsaber.

Tell him Mara did it.

Oh, wait, she couldn't have done it because HIS NEPHEW KILLED HER.

Replace his Jedi Grand Master robes with a Darth Vader costume.

Play _The Imperial March _as he enters the room.

Tell him it's his fault Padme died in childbirth.

Use the Force to suggest that these are not the droids he is looking for.

Tell him his thoughts don't betray him, that's Lando's job.

Ask him why he send of a his niece, who is only a Jedi Knight to kill a Sith Lord who is her brother instead of you killing him because you are the Jedi Grand Master and he F*CKING KILLED YOUR WIFE.

Ask him how it feels to be an instrument for the chosen one who becomes a Sith to fulfill his destiny.

Convince him to tell you the story of how he killed his father.

Convince him that Mara Jade only married him to kill him.

Tell him all sentient beings are equal but some motherf*cking Sith Lords are more equal than others.

Don't tell him about the drugs.

Luke Skywalker walks into the room and appears over Ben's shoulder. "What drugs, Ben?"

Without looking up, Ben returns to his list.

Tell him to get the hell out of here.


	3. A Tale of Two Skywalkers

A Tale of Two Skywalkers

_Remember in the original _Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi _when Sebastian Shaw played Unmasked Darth Vader and the Force Ghost of Anakin Skywalker? If you do then you probably realize his ghost was replaced with the image of Hayden Christensen who played Anakin Skywalker in Episode II and III in the 2004 DVD release of _Return of the Jedi_. Here's what happened between the two alternate Skywalkers. _

The sound of cheering rings throughout the forest moon of Endor as Luke Skywalker, the last of the Jedi, lights a pyre over the remains of his father, Anakin Skywalker, the chosen one, a redeemed Jedi.

Meanwhile in netherworld of the Force two men argue about their upcoming appearance before Luke.

"Alright, so I'll just go out there, give him a quick wave and we all go home." Says an old Anakin Skywalker.

"Um, excuse me?" says a more youthful Anakin Skywalker, "Yeah, sorry I think I'm going to go out there."

"Yes, Excuse me. I'm Anakin Skywalker, that is my son out there and before he faces the cruel galaxy I wish to see him one final time." says the elder Skywalker.

"Actually, because George Lucas claims he knew what was going to happen in all the Star Wars movies since 1977 and lied I, the REAL Anakin Skywalker will be seeing MY son." And the young Skywalker stepped into the real world.

Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker, hero of the Rebellion hugs his friends and goes to the side of the celebration. He leans on a hut and looks out into the forest, out into the galaxy, where his future awaits him. Before him appears the ghosts of his old mentors Ben Kenobi and Yoda. Next to them appears a smiling young Anakin Skywalker, Luke's father.

From beyond the veil of death a tear flows down the old Anakin Skywalker as looks onward at the gathering.

A hand came down onto old Anakin's shoulder, "Don't worry," said Qui-Gon Jinn, "They forgot about me too."

_Authors Note: I know it's been awhile but I decided while I had some time on my hands I'd take a break from my current story and do this. Thanks!_


	4. Ben's Secret Stash

Ben's Secret Stash

_How could Jaina Solo, a child of equal Force Potential as her brother who in the dark side had gained more power than his sister kill Jacen Solo? Here's how._

After the Battle of Hapes during the Second Galactic Civil War ends, a fourteen year old Ben Skywalker sits down behind a black armored Jacen Solo. Alone the two Jedi look towards each other; the war has exhausted them both. Ben sighs in his weary state but in front of him Jacen pulls out a black case. Upon its opening Ben sees several vials of brightly colored liquids.

Jacen pulled on one of the vials and tossed it over to Ben, "Death Stick?"

Ben looked down in horror as he realized what he was holding, "Death Sticks? But…but…don't those dim your connection to the Force?"

"They can, but that's why it's important for you to try them; so you can learn to get rid of such vile things" Jacen explained.

Ben didn't know what to say so he just took the case of Death Sticks that Jacen was offering him and left the room.

_45 ABY_

As Ben reentered his room in Coruscant for the first time in two years. Despite the joy of being home, the first thing he did was look into his closet where he hid the Death Sticks his cousin had given him five years earlier. A while ago after seeing what Jacen had become Ben decided I would be a good idea for him not to use the drug. But until know he didn't know if he should get rid of them but after what he had been through with his father recently, there wasn't a doubt in his mind.

"Artoo," Ben called to the little astromech droid, "Take this case, I don't want to ever see it again."

Artoo tweeted what Ben took as a yes and left the room. For Ben, that was the end of that.

_137 ABY_

On the planet Ossus, Jedi Master K'Kruhk pushes an R2 unit towards Cade Skywalker, "This is Artoo-Detoo. As it happens, he has served your family a long, long time. He has been updated to current specs. You do need a mechanic, don't you?"

Cade Skywalker accepts the droid and soon takes the droid back on his ship, the _Mynock_. After heading inside the ship, Cade decides to check the droids current condition. As he searches, he finds small vials in the droid.

"Excellent," Cade says as he uncorks the vial, "Death Sticks."


	5. Vader's Galaxy

**Vader's Galaxy**

"I have restored peace to the galaxy! Join me and together we will rule the galaxy as husband and wife!" An evil Anakin Skywalker yells through the harsh Mustafar atmosphere.

"No…no!" yells a distraught Padme Amidala.

"I have brought peace, freedom, and justice to my new empire! Join me, Obi-Wan, and together we will rule the galaxy as best friends!" yells Anakin Skywalker, seduced by the dark side.

"Will we have to where best friend bracelets?" Obi-Wan asks.

"Of course."

"Never!"

"Look I'm having a special join me now and together we will rule the galaxy as evil dictators!" Darth Vader breathes.

"Interesting offer? And what of my Death Star?" asks Grand Moff Tarkin.

"Oh, well we'll have to get rid of it. You could poke someone's eye out like that." Vader says

Tarkin turns to Princess Leia, "In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that will be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's destructive power on your home planet of Alderaan."

"There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you... Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy." Vader offers.

"I'll never join you!" Luke screams.

Vader lowers his head. "F*ck."

Putting on his best black suit and adjusting his respirator, Darth Vader knocks on the door of the apartment in front of him. Keeping his eyes on the paper he wrote he speech out on, Vader begins to read, "Hello, please join me. Together, you and I, will rule the galaxy as business partners and/or companions."

"Oh yah yah, messa love to rule galaxy!"

Vader looks up to see a ridiculous looking creature in front of him. Vader gives him the finger leaves.


	6. Ways to Annoy Luke Skywalker Take Two

Ways to Annoy Luke Skywalker Part Two

**Authors Note: made this awhile back but never got around to posting it, so here it is.**

Back at Coruscant Ben Skywalker, no longer felling any angst towards his father decides maybe it would be funny to continue the list he had started about his father

Ways to Harass, Annoy, Confuse or Generally Piss off Luke Skywalker Continued

Tell him that when Anakin Solo and Mara Jade went to Dantooine, they did a little more than just rest….

Ask him why he needed his sister who had absolutely no Jedi training to thrown of the dark shroud cast by the reborn Palpatine.

Ask him why does he have two dads?

Ask him why is it that his father would ever visit him as a Force Ghost, but would appear before his descendant Cade Skywalker several times?

You know what, same deal as above but with his wife.

Ask him where do babies come from?

Ask him why is it that he doesn't have a grandpa.

Ask what Luke did to make Obi-Wan decide to finally leave him.

Dress up as Darth Vader and tell Luke that Luke is my father.

Replace the green crystal in Luke's lightsaber with a synthetic red one.

Four words: Star Wars Holiday Special.

Ask him if he is aware that Hayden Christensen is Canadian?

Ask him why Jedi "can't have cool armor and tattoos?"

Ask him why Cade Skywalker whose Force potential was dimmed due to Death Sticks can save people from death but Luke, a strong Jedi Master couldn't do anything about his wife's, nephew's, or Chewbacca's dying.

Remind him that he didn't have a badass video game like KOTOR.

Actually, did he ever star in a game as the main character?

Tell him it was a great idea to have a Chief of State and a Head of the Defense Force who were both former imperials.

Wait a minute, since he trained the Solos then he is kind of responsible for Jacen F*CKING KILLIING HIS WIFE.

Tell him that we are all just drops of water and the ocean that is life.

On that note, I'm now Jedi-Emo.

Tell him to join you; together you will rule the galaxy as father and son.

Ask him why if he's so powerful, it was Jacen, not him, who discovered how to sense Yuuzhan Vong?

Ask him "What is thy bidding, my master?"

Ask him why instead of disabolishing the Imperial Remnant when he could have, he appointed them a new leader who could bring them back to power.

Ask him how he feels knowing that because of his actions in helping the Imperial Remnant after the Second Galactic Civil War a huge chunk of the Jedi order would die on Ossus in 130 ABY and then be hunted down?

And…..Yeah.


	7. Artoo's Story

**Artoo's Story**

_I wrote this in the middle of the night a couple of months ago...so…_

"Artoo-Detoo, you worthless can of bolts, you come back here before Master Anakin and Mistress Padme realizes you've gone!" Cries See-Threepio.

"_Tweedle-dooo._" Says Artoo, rolling his head aside.

"Oh, you mustn't."

But Artoo just opened a small section in his dome head and head up something that, to the average Coruscanti patron, either the finger or four Devaronian having sex with a Kath Hound.

Using the rockets boosters in his side-legs that we didn't know about until _Attack of the Clones _(gee, wonder when that would have come in handy before), Artoo flies himself to the nearest spaceport and lands between and nude Twi'lek and a male Human whose pants seemed to be missing.

Artoo slowly moves down through the spaceport until he spots a ship to his liking. Artoo moves himself into a small fighter, equipped with hyperspace travel and set off. He flies off and after clearing Coruscant airpace, jumps into lightspeed.

Traveling through hyperspace and listening to the _Doctor Who _theme (followed by _I am the Doctor_), Artoo decides to enter random hyperspaces cooridinates. Making the necessary adjustments to the ships nav, Artoo waits.

And waits.

And waits.

And waits.

Wow, hyperspace is boring, isn't it?

Anyways, while Anakin and Padme are still having wild sex in 500 Republica- well, not so much as still as Anakin took a nap for several hours, Obi-wan visited Padme and left as Anakin woke up and started up again with Padme-

Um, what was I saying?

Right, so skipping over the concept that it is nearly impossible to navigate the area and Artoo should be dead, the astromech droid emergs over a sort of facility in the Maw cluster.

The droid lowers his craft down into one of the docks and lands. He pops out and, after about an hour of wandering around the facility that would be really boring to write and read about, Artoo reaches a large chamber where a man he recognizes as the Supreme Chancellor stands looking out a viewport.

Artoos wheels towards the chancellor and begins to "speak."

Note: For your convenience, Artoo's speech has been translated into basic with the voice talents of Morgan Freeman.

"_Supreme Chancellor? The F*ck are you doing?"_

"Oh, hello. You kind of cute looking. I think I'll name you" the chancellor reaches out in the Force and then declares, "Darth Astro."

"_Huh?"_

"I'll leave Tarkin here to brief you on what we do here. Serve me well, Darth Astro."

Palpatine leaves and another man with a smaller, um…arm, comes over to talk to Artoo. "My lord Chancellor has planned for his rise to power using this machine, the Death Star. Now the Death Star-"

Artoo moves up to Tarkin and uses his saw to brutally kill the man. The blood and gore and unbridled rage is unbelievable to all but the most disgusting perverts in the galaxy. And Jedi, they'll go for anything.

Artoo makes his way back to his ship in signifigantly less time than it took from there and then uses it to blow up the Maw.

Long story short, Artoo saves the day and shit.


	8. The Creation of the Force

**The Creation of the Force**

_I know what you're thinking: Isn't this supposed to be about the Skywalkers? Well, if Anakin was conceived by the Force, then technically the Force is not only a Skywalker, but the patriarch of the Skywalker family, so HA!_

**On the Core planet TYTHON**

**scholars from many star systems convene to discuss**

**the possibility of a mystic power **

**that rules over the Galaxy.**

**En route to the meeting, to scholars**

**by the names of SHTDIP and AS'BURN**

**are abducted by a freighter controlled**

**by the ruthless RAKATAN EMPIRE**

**Armed with only their minds**

**and short swords, the two**

**scholars must fight their way through**

**to their important convention…**

"_Vessel _Twi'lek Ass, _you are currently being towed into our hangar._ _Do not attempt to resist._"

"Shtdip?"

"Yeah?"

"What the hell did they just say?"

Shtdip scratched his head and, as not to look stupid, said, "They told us that they want to commend our flying and reward us with a pair of female slaves."  
"Really?"

"Sure, don't you speak Rakatan?"

The two scholars walked of their vessel and were confronted by three Rakatan armed with long blades.

"_Welcome to the _Throbbing Hard. _Do not be alarmed by our initial hostile approach, it is protocol. Now we would like to be friends with you._"

As'Burn scrunched his nose, "What happened to the girls?"

"Look at their swords!" Shtdip pointed. "They must have killed them."

"_What? No, we are to be friends with you. If you so wish, we have strippers on the third deck._"

"They'll kill us!" wailed As'Burn.

"_Do you not speak Rakatan?_"

"Calm down, As'Burn. We are men of itllect. Let's _think _our way out of here." Shtdip turned to the Rakatan. "Hello!" he drew out the word, "wwwweee arrrreee sscchoollaars on a dddipplooomatic mmmiissioon to Ttttyyythhhhon. IIIIIfffff yyoooouuu lllleeettt uuuuussss ggggggoo, wweee willll gggiiivve yyyooouuu mmmonnnneyy. Dddddoooo yooouuu uunnnnddderrrsttanddd?"

"_What the hell is wrong with you?_" The Rakata all shrugged and they held out their hand in a friendly gesture.

"They're getting hostile! As'Burn, attack!"

"_What?_"

Shtdip and As'burn drew their short swords and made short work of the Rakata.

"C'mon, let's get out of here."

"Wait?"

"What, Shtdip?"

"Look!"

Shtdip was pointing to a freighter next to their ship with its cargo hold open. Inside were dozens of huge boxes.

"It's a bunch of boxes so what?"

"Look at the label."

"Holy Shit."

_The Next day on Tython_

"Scholars Shtdip the Correlian system and As'Burn of the Eraidu system. You're late. We've just come to the conclusion that there is indeed no mystical power over the Galaxy."

The convention, a gathering of thousands, had a main chamber were a representative from each star system met. The men, at a little over a hundred, looked at the two men.

"Sorry, we ran into some trouble, but you'll never guess what we found. Bring it in!"

Dozens of boxes were brought into the room. The councilmen gazed on with interest until one man asked, "What is this?"

"Kesselian Glitterstim!"

"You brought spice?"

"Yeah."

The councilmen looked at each other.

_Five minutes later _

"You know, I-I-I think, I think that we're all just part of some, like, big, cosmic, thing." said one man.

"I feel so close to you all now. It's-It's like there's something binding us all together." said another.

"Oh, man, tha-that's it!" said Shtdip, "That's like, what we're all here for man. There must be some sort of power a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a like, like, like, like a-a-a-a-a-a force or something."

"Dude, you are just so right." The Head Councilman declared. "From this day forth we, the Order of Tython, are followers of the mystical Force. We shall be known as the Je'daii. Agreed."

A cheering mumble sounded and The Force was born.

_There you have it. The Force was born from the minds of a bunch of stoners. Makes a bit more sense now, doesn't it?_


End file.
